La Famiglia

No group of people has had as profound and lasting an impact on me than my family. It seems only right to first attempt to offer a garment of praise to the major participants of that formative unit. Lest this be construed as a blogging brag session, allow me to preface. Home was not a perfect place. Like most families we fought, we made messes and mistakes, we complained, we ruined, we teased, and we even hurt each other at times. However, overall it was a place of love and acceptance. No matter what happened outside of home, I always knew that I was unconditionally loved and accepted by my family. I, in turn, love and accept each of them without condition or reservation. To each member of my family I offer praise. There are many traits and gifts that I recognize in each of them, but today I will focus on just one or two that are particularly meaningful to me, and perhaps also, less obvious to people outside the family.

My dad is a unique man in the world. This becomes more and more clear as I get older. In all my 30 years I have never once heard him raise his voice in anger or say an unkind word toward my mom. Not once. I think my siblings would say the same. This is remarkable to me as I observe other relationships and navigate the dynamics of marriage myself. His calm patience is unparalleled anywhere I've observed. He is also a genuinely meek and humble person. These terms are so misunderstood, I think, in our culture. The person truly possessed of humility does not know that they are humble. It is a trait that is unaware of itself. I've never seen my dad seek for status, position, wealth, or recognition - not even subtly or covertly. He is quietly confident and secure with himself but also knows on Whom he relies. Because there is no need to protect or defend an underlying fragile ego I've never discerned in him even a hint of jealousy, criticism, posturing, or comparison of others.

My mom is a sensitive soul. We most often think of parents watching kids grow and develop. We don't talk as much about kids watching parents grow, which of course they all obviously do through the process of raising a family and having other life experiences. It has been an inspiring thing to watch my mom reverse the effects of defeating early life experiences. That is not an easy journey to take but I know she has put all her heart and faith into it. Her sensitivity lends itself to service and to loyalty. She is absolutely committed to the gospel and has been a wonderful example of consecrating herself for the Lord's work. My mom always takes her callings seriously and works hard to give her best to God. She is another link in a chain of faithful saints who have given their all for the cause of the kingdom!

Lisel is my only older sibling and my only sister. I have always looked up to her. She always prepared the way for me in church and school, which made me - a relatively shy person - much more comfortable. I think it also facilitated life-long friendships, especially in high school. It has been pretty amazing to see her grow and develop as a person, particularly in her role as wife and mother. She is an incredible mom. Everyone always tells her that, and it's true! Somehow she has just the right combination of gifts and characteristics to focus on the meaningful priorities and enjoy the journey at the same time. One of the traits I most admire about Lisel is her ability to connect with others. She is very easy to get along with and has always made lots of friends wherever she has gone. If charity is kind, and envies not, and is not puffed up, and seeks not her own, and is not easily provoked, then I'd say she has charity.

Mike and I are only 16 months apart. We were frequently mistaken as twins growing up, though now we look quite different from each other (my 40 lbs in the past few years solved that problem!). We shared a lot together and Mike always helped to make things fun. Mike is known by many for his generous heart. Sometimes he acts tuff, but when it comes right down to it he is as giving as Santa Clause. Of the many traits that are praiseworthy within him, the one I would like to highlight is his determination. Some might say he is stubborn, but I think a more accurate description would be tenacious. A great example is Mike's decision last year to run a marathon. He started training and never missed a day. As far as I recall he never walked a single time in all of his training runs! Keep in mind that this was in the middle of winter in Vernal. I started to train several weeks after him and ended up giving up because of tendonitis after only getting up to 10 miles or so. But even before that, I definitely walked at times. When he puts his mind to something, he does it.

Tyler was named after my paternal grandfather and inherited his gifts for being a people person. He has a cheerful disposition just like the prophet Joseph, I imagine. He is also definitely the most outwardly touchy-feely among the bunch of us. He has a way of cheering people up along with him, which is a remarkable strength. Tyler should be recognized for his influence for good on people in his life. In high school he was the quarterback on a team where the great majority of the players did not share his values. Despite that pressure he stayed true to himself and influenced many of them in a positive direction. I have watched him do the same thing many times since then with other friends and people he has responsibility over. He has a capacity to reach out in non-judgmental ways to show genuine friendship and urge people to greater happiness by his example.

Shayne is the youngest and the smartest of all of us (Don't argue, Ty!). He is my superior in height, intellect, and dance skills, among other things! I could say a lot about his lack of self-consciousness and his courage to eat various assortments of nastiness, but that would possibly reinforce his daredevil ways and, more importantly, not give credit to his spiritual gifts. Shayne is wise beyond his years and is able to impart that wisdom in a very unassuming and even humorous way. His testimony of Jesus Christ has been forged through adversity. I've not met very many people with as pure a desire to do good before the Lord as Shayne. He has gone to great lengths to do that which is righteous and honorable, and he has succeeded. He is about to get married and I am confident that he will continue to be a great instrument in the hands of the Lord as he begins his family.

Several years ago under circumstances in which I realized I may be at death's door I experienced an unusual peace about that prospect. I was scared, but I was not scared of death. Strangely, I was comforted about that possibility and knew that I would be okay if it were to happen. The most difficult thought on that doorstep was that I would be leaving my family behind (I was not married at the time so Tania and Clara had not yet become my own family). It was the feeling that flowed from an image of being separated from people that I love so much that had me terrified. I am so grateful that never came to pass. I cannot begin to express how much they have inspired me, strengthened me, and taught me. I offer to each of them my most heartfelt praise.

The Garment of Praise

It's been over two months since my last post. I guess I haven't had anything profound to say. I have thought quite a bit about this year, which of course, is now well under way. Sometimes as I look over my life I feel like I have digressed. I don't know if that really is the case, I sure hope it's not anyway. But, at times it seems there have been periods of my life when I was more generous and giving of myself, more faith-filled, more humble, and more charitable than I am now. This year, in my own personal endeavors and in our family, we have decided to really focus on becoming the kind of people we want to be, with a few of the things I just mentioned in mind.

Several weeks ago in Sunday School we were discussing the Savior's declaration of His messianic mission to the people of his native Nazareth. It is a familiar passage. Jesus quoted from the words of Isaiah and then proclaimed to his fellow worshippers that on that day the scripture had been fulfilled. As part of our discussion we turned to Isaiah 61, where we read the words of the messianic prophecy in their fullness straight from the mouth of Isaiah. One of the phrases tucked within those poetic verses caught my attention and caused me to ponder. The Messiah, it is promised, along with healing the broken-hearted and liberating the captives, will give "the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness". What a beautiful statement!

I once sat in an Institute class in which one of the class members was a former gymnast. She was paralyzed from the waist down following an accident during a gymnastics routine in a college competition. A video had been produced about her - by the Church I believe - and the instructor of the course was familiar with it. The teacher showed us the video, which concluded with the woman's inspiring testimony. When the film ended the class spontaneously arose and gave her a standing ovation. It was an electrifying moment. The class then grew quiet and the instructor spoke. He said, in effect, that he believed if a movie were to be made about each individual life in the classroom there would likely be many standing ovations.

Often extraordinary struggles and victories are very quiet, never making the evening news or the latest blog post. Fortunately, we have the Master Healer, the Eternal Judge who in the midst of such circumstances offers to clothe us in the garment of praise. Though unseen by the world, such a garment is of eternal value to the recipient. Most do not live their lives with only the pursuit of praise as their goal, but most would agree that receiving commendation from time to time is needed and appreciated. Ultimately, the only praise that matters is His praise. Nevertheless, if I want to pattern my life after His, I think it is appropriate to develop the capacity and the gift to offer praise as kindly, as quickly, and as generously to my fellowman as He does. Too often, I'm afraid, I am sewing cloaks of criticism in my heart rather than garments of praise. In the arrogance of my mind I have a closet full of such cloaks. The garments of praise that I do create, too frequently go ungiven.

What makes us so hesitant to praise our brother or our sister? Why do we so easily hold back in pride or embarrassment? I do at least. But this, I will change!

Over the next several weeks I would like to try an experiment on my blog. We will see if time will allow it. I would like to use my blog as a venue to give the garment of praise. I will focus on some of the people in my life who have had a profound impact on me and/or my family. Of course the number of people is countless and it would be impossible to address them all. I plan to address groups of people defined by periods/stages of my life, or by shared events/circumstances.

I have debated within myself the wisdom and propriety of this type of blogging. First, obviously the best way to offer sincere praise is in private. Perhaps the most meaningful way to do this would be through intimate conversations and personal thank you cards, and I'd like to do more of that too. But I also think there is an appropriate place for public commendation. I believe we can all learn from the ways in which people touch other people's lives. I will not share anything that is too personal for this setting. Second, it is always dangerous to name names. Inevitably someone is hurt or offended that their name didn't get mentioned, or that they perceive the comments directed to them to be shorter or less meaningful than for someone else. My hope is that this effort will be encouraging and edifying, not upsetting. Again, there is no way that I can mention everyone. If I happen not to mention one of the handful of people who follow this blog (quite unlikely since I think it's mostly my family and a couple of close friends) I express my love and appreciation. I would ask that you join me in celebrating the goodness of others without any interpretation of either receiving a slight from me or of not having significant impact on me to merit mention - neither of which would be true.

Now I just hope that I can start this before another two months pass by!

One Year With Clara

Just one year ago last week I became a father. Clara Cherie, named after maternal and paternal grandmothers, arrived safely at about 7:00 a.m. on November 21st. I admit that I didn't know quite what to expect. My main concerns, of course, were that she would be healthy and strong. But, with her father's genes on board I was also a bit worried that she could be an ugly baby! Well, she was healthy and strong, and she was also beautiful from the first second she was born.

To me Clara is a miracle. You mights say that I'm over-reacting or prone to hyperbole, but to me she is another testament in my life of the wonderful kindness of a loving Father. She has been a great blessing for Tania and I.

I have several memories from this first year with Clara that I would like to share. I will never forget when she was born. It was pretty amazing to witness that process and to meet her for the first time. There have been a few occasions in my life where an experience was totally new, yet somehow at the same time quite familiar. So it was with the arrival of Clara. Up until she was born she was only an image in my imagination, but strangely it was as if I knew her all along. My emotional threshold in that moment was overwhelmed, I must admit, and I was choked up as the doctor asked if I wanted to cut the cord, which I did.

The first week after Clara was born was also Thanksgiving. Between the holiday and the days off from work for her birth, we had a whole week together as a family without the interruptions of work and other obligations. I remember one particular day during that week when we brought Clara into the living room and I played the guitar as we sang together. A peaceful, happy spirit filled the room. I remember thinking and feeling at that moment that this is what it is all about!

Giving Clara a name and a blessing through the priesthood was also a special experience. I feel like the Spirit really guided us in naming Clara. I also felt special direction in pronouncing the blessings and promises reserved for this little girl. That was another day when the Spirit was close and emotions were very near the surface.

The first few weeks after Clara was born were a bit difficult at night, much more so for Tania than for me. I tried to help as much as I could, though that was limited because I wasn't the food source. One night very early on I was helping Tania change a diaper. The diaper was off and Clara was lying on my side of the bed. She apparently saw that as an opportune time to relieve some pressure. The projectile excretions were too fast and too extensive to be contained! The result was poop everywhere and a quick changing of clothes and sheets. As long as we are talking about her penchant for dramatic bowel movements, I should also mention that Clara enjoyed that activity during Elder's Quorum for several weeks at one point, much to the embarrassment of her father.

Clara is a very tenacious little baby. She has always been very social, though she has been more clingy to mom lately. Once she warms up she loves interacting and playing with adults and kids. She is also very strong-willed. I am confident that this trait will be a foundation for her to be stalwart and faithful in a difficult world. We have also started to see a very sensitive side to Clara. She will often begin to cry if you laugh at her for doing something silly or if another kid is crying in front of her.

All of the milestones have been fun to watch - smiling, cooing and babbling, rolling over, crawling, learning words and signs, playing games, recognizing people, and singing. I swear that kid's smile and laugh could warm the coldest heart in the world. There are few things better than holding her in my arms and rocking her to sleep, which sadly she has now almost entirely outgrown. For awhile there, as I would rock her she would sing, "Aih, aih, aih, aih, aih." Often as we hold her in our arms she will reach out and touch our faces.

Clara has loved bath time and playing in water since the beginning. She enjoys books and stories, singing primary songs, and clapping to 'The Price is Right'. She insists on climbing the stairs even though she has not yet mastered coming down. She has a sweet tooth to rival her daddy's, even loved root beer in the womb! She is very active, fights sleep at nearly all sleep times (I keep telling her that one day she will find sleep to be glorious!), and she is jabbering and signing more and more all the time.

Admittedly, I don't know much about being a parent yet. Even professional training cannot totally prepare you for the responsibility of appropriately raising a little human being. If I think about that too deeply I get a little overwhelmed. At times the job feels a bit powerless. You cannot force or control, you can't always take away pain, and you can't be sure you're getting it right. Yet, despite that, it brings a lot of happiness, and fun, and optimism. I want so much to do good for Clara. One thing is for sure, I've got plenty of love for her. I used to think that people were exaggerating when they would say, "You can't know the love of a parent for a child until you are one." Now I know what they mean. Just one look at those big brown eyes and puffy cheeks and I soften. When days at work are particularly long or difficult it helps to look at my pictures of Tania and Clara on my desk. Those pictures remind me why I'm doing what I'm doing. They inspire me to persist in gratitude.

I love my Clara. I'm so grateful to be her dad. I pray that God will make me equal to the task of what she deserves. I also pray that we will have many more birthdays with a healthy and happy daughter!

Recommendation

In May 2009 The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints started a radio channel with unique LDS programming all day, everyday. Many of you are likely familiar with The Mormon Channel. In the springtime when I was doing a lot of yard work I was looking around for stuff to put on my ipod that I might listen to as I worked. I had heard about The Mormon Channel and decided to look into it. It was a great discovery! I thought they might just have songs from the Tabernacle Choir and conference talks, which they do, but they also have a lot more. I found several programs that are exclusive and unique to The Mormon Channel. The home page (radio.lds.org) shows the current schedule and you can listen live online. You can also find the station on the radio in several U.S. markets (though Cache Valley is not one of them :( ). All of the programs can be downloaded as MP3 files and put into itunes, and I believe most of them are also podcasts. You can also look up individual episodes and listen to the file without any downloading.

There is a program called Conversations that is particularly interesting and uplifting. In these episodes members of the church with an "interesting story or unique perspective" are interviewed by Sheri Dew and Ruth Todd. Many of the episodes are interviews with members of the Quorum of the Twelve, the Seventy, and Auxiliary presidencies. These interviews are typically conducted by Sheri Dew and they usually involve the Church leader and their spouse, though in the case of Elder Scott and Julie Beck they are interviewed with their children. The other interviews consist of people such as Susan Easton Black (BYU professor of Church History), Michael F. Moody (participant on the church music committee for many years), and Gary Ceran (lost his wife and several children in a tragic car accident). Most of these other interviews are hosted by Ruth Todd. The interviews are largely informal, which provides a view of the general authorities that we don't often get. Being a lover of biography, it was especially fun for me to hear of their childhood, the way the Lord shaped their life, and their own family life with spouse and children. All of the episodes have provided great insights and an opportunity to be edified by the Spirit.

Other programs that I find especially entertaining are Mormon Identity and Into All the World. Mormon Identity is a program hosted by Robert Millet (professor of religious education at BYU). He engages in conversations about gospel doctrines or practices with another person, usually a professor, author, educator, or expert. These episodes, which are about 30 minutes each in length, are very meaningful in giving perspective on doctrines and other concepts. Some of my favorites are the episode on "the only true and living church", "justification and sanctification", and "Emotional Health of Latter-day Saints".

Into All the World is a program hosted by an audio-visual guy that works for the Church. He interviews currently serving and recently released mission presidents and stake presidents in all parts of the world. The first episode features Massimo De Feo, who is the current stake president in Rome. This program is great in recognizing the growth, progress, and spirit of the Church in all corners of the globe.

After I discovered all that The Mormon Channel had to offer I downloaded several programs and subscribed to podcasts. It was awesome to listen on my ipod as I ran (when I was running) and as I mowed the lawn or worked in the yard. I really enjoyed the time to learn, to be edified, and to ponder the course of my own life and my attempts at discipleship. I think The Mormon Channel is one of the greatest media forms the Church has produced! It offers an uplifting and unique spiritual feast. I highly recommend it to all.

To Anonymous

I attempted to reply to comments posted by anonymous on my recent series of posts, but I got way too long-winded and it wouldn't let me publish a comment that long! Apparently there is a limit of 4,096 characters (random number!) and this response is 4,812. If you're interested, please see the comment feed from the previous post to follow the dialogue.

Anonymous,

I obviously know who you are. Again, I appreciate your feedback and have thought deeply about what you have shared. Please know that my recent posts have not been directed at any one individual. They have been the result of observations in the world around me over the past numerous months. I sincerely love you. The plain fact is, I miss you.

I will clarify a couple of points and then let my comments and your comments stand for what they are (obviously you can feel free to make any additional comments you wish to make). First, narcissistic personality disorder is a disorder of the character or personality of an individual with a pervasive pattern of traits (mentioned in part I) across various domains of life that cause significant impairment. Nevertheless, as with many mental disorders there is a severity spectrum. Someone with this disorder may actually appear quite functional in many aspects of their life. I used an example of what the disorder may look like to illustrate the meaning of the word, with all of its nuances. Often the word narcissism is used interchangeably with the word arrogant or egotistical in common language, but I think it is really quite a bit more than that. However, in talking about intellectual narcissism I switched and was not talking about a diagnosable condition, which is why I repeatedly referred to traits, tendencies, and characteristics. In fact, I even said that often the person with intellectual narcissism from my observation does not necessarily exhibit that narcissism in other areas of their life. I was using the word to express an attitude and a presentation exhibited by some. If this was, or still is, confusing or unclear, I apologize.

Second, I did not suggest that anyone who "merely" disagrees with "my" prophet is an intellectual narcissist. Nor did I suggest that people who get PhDs, use sophisticated vocabulary, or rely on something other than prophetic authority to find truth are intellectual narcissists. It is important to note that I was obviously speaking to a Latter-day Saint audience. I suggested that people who love and inflate their intellect, their degrees, and their vocabulary and use them to put themselves above the revealed word, the prophets, and sometimes God Himself may be intellectual narcissists. I also suggested people with an excessive focus on the intellect at the expense of the spirit, who then use that gift to tear down others and vaunt themselves may be intellectual narcissists as well.

Third, you have implied in your comments here and in your comments in a previous post that I am somehow opposed to truth discovery in any form other than "prophetic authority". This is not the case. I happen to believe in truth from any and all sources from which real truth may sprout. I find doctrines and practices rooted in truth from science, Buddhism, Native American traditions, Catholicism, and many other sources beautiful, miraculous, and profound. I have no qualms with seeming discrepancies. The world is not black and white. I have personal faith that all truth can be circumscribed into one great whole. What I take issue with is the rejection or criticism of truth, no matter its source and no matter its target. Just because I generally write about truths as expressed in Mormonism does not mean that I reject truth from other sources, as long as it is truth. Each person must find that truth for themselves. I may disagree with their methods and their conclusions (and, I believe, should be able to express that) but that does not mean I do not appreciate their efforts. I may even make judgments about their methods and conclusions but I try hard not to make judgments about them! I admit that this was not expressed well in the posts, thus creating an "us vs. them" feel. I have learned for next time.

Fourth, I love President Uchtdorf too! :)

Fifth, I absolutely agree that perceived righteousness is an invitation to pride. Is there pride in me? I am full of it. I pray daily that I can root it out of me and be truly humble. My faith invites me to a conversion of the heart, to be a true disciple of Jesus Christ. That's what I want more than anything in the world. I do not want to be a hypocrite who self-righteously performs checklists and adheres to "cultural doctrines". I do not just "claim" to direct these posts to me - I DO. Are there narcissistic traits in me? Without question. I'm working on that as well. Is there a beam in my eye? There are probably a few. I do appreciate the reminder (that is not sarcastic - I really do).

Sixth, while I disagree with some of the conclusions you have come to in your life, and it appears that you disagree with some of mine, please give me the benefit of the doubt that I have not "forgotten" that "one must depend on God himself and the spirit to decide what is right despite what that authority figure says". I know and trust that your conclusions have not come from a place of malice or ill intent. I know that there has been significant struggle that has brought you to where you are. Please know that it is also excruciating spiritual and emotional struggle that has brought me to where I am. You suggest it is "easy" to "decide that one particular man speaks for God". But I would like to offer that sometimes it is actually quite difficult. It is ONLY because of God and the Spirit that I have taken the path I have taken, independent of any other. It is the personal witness to my mind and heart that has led me to faith, when it would have been significantly more "easy" to go elsewhere. It is the wonderful comfort, the reassuring grace, the unmistakable testimony that has come from Him in the midst of my own suffering that has brought me to want to follow Him and His servants, imperfectly as I do.

I ask for your forgiveness for any offense I have caused in this discussion. I express my love and my desire for eternal friendship.

-C.J.